May I present...
The winner of Sue Johnson and my competition ~
A Night To Remember by Keith Gillison
A
night to remember
She
did not need a looking glass to know she must look a fright.
Nevertheless Judy couldn’t resist having another peek at the
abomination on top of her head. It was her sister’s fault. Always
going on about Karen and how well she was doing at Hairdressing
College.
What
had she been thinking? Here she was just a few hours away from a
first date with Mike and she looked like she’d just cut her own
hair blindfolded with a pair of rusty shears. She
only agreed to it to save money. The bills were piling up, the car
was in dire need of a service and Charlie was eating her out of house
and home. The sooner he finished his A-Levels and got a job the
better.
What
could she do about tonight?
Cancelling wasn’t an option. It had taken months of bugging her
friend Carol to fix her up with Mike. A large hat perhaps? An
excellent idea if she actually owned any hats. Judy frowned in
thought. An idea presented itself. She picked up the phone and
dialled Mike’s number.
Judy
checked her make-up in the rear-view
mirror and adjusted her hair. It was obviously a wig but it still
looked better than what was underneath. A mop head would have been an
improvement on her real hair. Mike hadn’t been thrilled at her
proposed change of plans for the evening. He was a quiet dinner kind
of guy. Attending a party full of strangers wearing fancy dress for a
first date was the exact opposite of the kind of guy he was.
Reluctantly he agreed to meet Judy at the party, on the proviso he
could wear his uniform.
The
car chugged into life as Judy turned the key in the ignition.
‘Just
get me there you rust bucket.’
The
party was on the other side of town. Judy’s plan was to leave the
car there and get the train back the next day to pick it up. At least
that was plan B. Plan A involved Mike being so overcome with lust
they ended up back at his place. Her outfit was chosen with the
express aim of seeing plan A reach a successful conclusion.
It
was about two miles into the journey when things started to go wrong.
As the car was passing the notorious Treadwell Estate Judy noticed
the lights on the dashboard started to dim. A few seconds later the
engine joined in on the act and the car crawled to a standstill at
the side of the road. Just for the sake of pointlessly going through
the motions she turned the key in the ignition. Nothing. It was
deader than progressive rock.
Judy
picked up her mobile phone and dialled a taxi firm. At least that’s
what she would have done if her phone was actually receiving a
signal. With as much
fury as she could muster she slammed the car door shut and stormed
off down the road, angrily holding her phone in the air. She stopped
to consider her options. A pay phone, that’s what she needed. They
used to be quite popular years ago. A quick glance around revealed a
possible location for such an old-fangled device.
On
the opposite side of the road was a pub. Judy crossed the road and
glanced up at the pub sign before entering. The Whippet’s Ankle. An
estate pub. She took a deep breath, pushed the pub door open and
marched towards the bar. She was halfway there before her brain
finished interpreting the information her eyes were attempting to
relay to it with a strong sense of urgency.
‘Excuse
me love,’ said the landlord, ‘we’re not open to the public
tonight. Private party.’
‘Wahey,’
shouted a man dressed as Superman. ‘The stripper’s here.’
Judy
quickly scanned the interior of the pub. It contained a pool table, a
jukebox, a number of tables and chairs and about thirty
men dressed as superheroes drinking lager. Then she caught sight of
her reflection in the mirror behind the bar. In her rage against the
ineptitude of her technological possessions to perform their basic
functions, Judy had completely forgotten that she was dressed as
Wonder Woman.
Deciding
this wasn’t an ideal place to spend any time at all;
Judy turned and walked towards the exit. It was blocked by a
combination of The Incredible Hulk and Captain Marvel.
‘Now
then lads, play nice. Anyone touches the lady and you’ll have me to
deal with,’ shouted the landlord.
As
if to strengthen his
point the landlord reached behind the bar and retrieved a baseball
bat decorated with numerous bloody nails. The occupants of the
Whippet’s Ankle realised that despite being dressed as superheroes
they were in fact not in possession of any powers that could outwit a
baseball bat.
‘Sorry
about them,’ said Spiderman, as he stepped forward
with his hand outstretched to greet Judy. ‘We’re having a stag do
for Brian over there,’ he said pointing at Batman. ‘I'm Daniel,
the best man. What’s your name love?’
‘Judy.’
‘What’s
with the outfit?’
Judy
explained about her date with Mike, the bad haircut, the car breaking
down and her mobile refusing to work.
‘Yeah,
it’s a nightmare round here if you’re not on the right network.
There’s a phone out back you can use to call a cab.’
Judy
sighed with relief.
‘Thanks,’
she said to Daniel. ‘I was worried there for a minute.’
Daniel
removed his mask and smiled warmly.
‘We’re
a harmless bunch really. I’m actually a solicitor. I’m staying
sober tonight to keep this lot in order. Would you like to join us
for a drink before your taxi arrives?’
Judy
smiled back at Daniel.
‘Well,
maybe just a quick one,’ she said, looking at her watch.
‘What’s
your poison?’
‘Quadruple
gin,’ replied Judy. ‘Just to take the edge off.’
An
hour and three quadruple gins later, Judy decided that perhaps it was
now time to call a cab. She’d thrashed Thor and Captain America at
pool, beaten The
Incredible Hulk in an arm wrestle and had started a conga that was
still in full flow.
‘One
quick piggy back
race and I’ll be on my way. You,’ she slurred loudly at Flash
Gordon, ‘get Batman and Robin and meet me in the beer garden.’
The
superheroes lined the
perimeter of the beer garden, raucously cheering encouragement and
obscenities at the competitors.
‘On
your marks. Get set. Go,’
shouted Wolverine.
Batman
and Robin stormed into the lead and were almost across the winning
line when a combination of the fresh air and a full days drinking
caught up with Batman’s central nervous system. He staggered
backwards, lurched into Judy astride Flash Gordon’s shoulders and
the four of them came crashing to earth. Judy landed on her head. She
was out cold.
‘Is
she dead?’ asked Thor. ‘Can I give her the kiss of life?’
Groggily,
Judy opened her eyes, sat up and looked around.
‘Where
am I?’
It
was two hours of checks and scans
in A&E before Judy was given the all-clear. As a head injury
victim she was given the highest priority. Daniel drove her to the
hospital and waited patiently for the news.
‘Plenty
of rest
and her memory should return soon. Bring her back in a few days if
there’s no improvement,’ was the consultant’s verdict.
Daniel
had just escorted Judy out of the ward when her phone rang. The name
Charlie appeared on the screen.
‘Mum,
it’s me. I’m in trouble. I went to this student party and, well,
I’ve been arrested for impersonating a police officer.’
Sergeant
Peterson walked purposefully towards the interview room. Another
Saturday night, another hilarious student jape. He was supposed to be
enjoying a quiet dinner in a nice
restaurant with an attractive lady. Instead, his date had cancelled
his dinner, invited him to a fancy dress party and then stood him up.
He was actually relieved to get the call to come to the station at
once. A group of drunks dressed as superheroes had started a riot in
town. On his way to the station he had no choice but to arrest an
inebriated student in police uniform who thought it was a good idea
to stand in the middle of a busy junction and direct traffic whilst
performing the dance moves to the song YMCA.
Peterson
entered the interview room and sat down. After a few seconds
he pinched himself a couple of times to check he wasn’t
hallucinating. This confirmed that he really was sat across a desk
from Spiderman, a bedraggled looking Wonder Woman, and a swaying
teenager dressed as a policeman.
‘I’m
the boy’s lawyer,’ said Spiderman, ‘and this is his mother.’
Peterson
leaned forward and
stared in concentration at Wonder Woman.
‘What
the blazes?’ he bellowed, suddenly recognising her.
Judy
stared back at Mike, a confused look on her face.
‘Have
we met before?’ she asked. ‘You look awfully familiar.’
And third place went to Sarah Williams with this charming sidestep of a familiar tale:
“Ridiculous” Short Story Competition
She did not need
a looking glass to know she must look a fright.
But really, she didn’t believe anyone could look their best after taking
a tumble down a rabbit hole.
She crawled to
the brink, clawed her way over the edge, clambered to her feet and brushed
herself down.
Actually, now
she thought about it, most of the damage had been done not by the fall down the
hole in the ground, but by climbing back up.
She felt fairly certain, for example, that her hair had not been quite
so disarranged until a root had caught in it as she ascended back to ground
level.
It really was such
a jolly silly place to leave a large, unprotected rabbit hole. There were no warning signs, no railings, it
was simply an open-mouthed invitation to an accident.
Still, she’d
been lucky, there was no real harm done, just a few scrapes and bruises. Admittedly, her dress was rather stained and
muddy, but it was such a beautiful day that she found herself unable to worry too
much about that when the bees were droning lazily in the sunshine.
Listening
harder, she realised the noise really came from her sister, who continued to read
aloud from the deathly dull book she’d chosen to amuse them that afternoon.
Amy shrugged,
straightened her apron and moved away from the sound of her sister’s
voice. She was sure Dinah would have
done the same; unlike Amy’s older sibling, Dinah had very high standards of
entertainment and was most selective in the company she chose to keep.
It suddenly
seemed terribly important to Amy that she find Dinah. She looked around and tried to decide which
direction a cat who liked hunting was most likely to have chosen.
The main choices
seemed to be either towards the lake, or into the woods. As Dinah wasn’t a cat who generally liked
having damp paws, Amy opted to head wood-wards.
At first Amy was
very pleased with her choice. In fact
she congratulated herself (and Dinah) on the decision. It really was a rather hot day out in the
sunshine, it had made her head ache somewhat, so the cool shade of the trees
was most welcome.
Gradually,
however, she realised there was a different kind of heat as she went deeper
into the trees. Although the sun was no
longer beating down on her bare head, there was a damp mugginess which at times
felt almost stifling and which made her head throb.
Also, she was still feeling rather wary about
where she put her feet, she really didn’t want to fall into another rabbit
hole, it had been enough of a struggle escaping the first. But the undergrowth made it difficult to see
where to tread safely. And the low
branches meant she had to be equally cautious about what she might walk into if
she watched her feet too carefully.
All in all,
after a while, Amy began to regret her decision to enter the woods. She now felt sure Dinah had decided to cool
her paws in the shallow water at the edge of the lake after all.
Turning quickly
so as to try and re-trace her steps, Amy felt something brush against her
cheek. Her hand automatically sprang
into action to wipe the thing away.
“Oi!” shouted a
voice, “Mind what you’re doing, you could injure a body doing that!”
Amy lowered her
hand as her eyes sought the owner of the voice.
Seeing him, she blinked.
“I – I think I
might have met your cousin recently,” she said.
“Would he happen to live in a rabbit hole, perhaps?”
“Don’t be
ridiculous, caterpillars don’t live in rabbit holes,” exclaimed the bright
green caterpillar.
“Well,” mused Amy,
“it really was a very big rabbit hole if that helps?”
“It
doesn’t. We’re creatures of the air, not
the underground,” was the tetchy retort.
Amy considered.
“Actually, I’d
never realised you were creatures of the air,” she began tentatively, “but I can
see you are now.”
Indeed, her new
friend was spinning from a thread which hung down from a tree branch.
“Well some of us
are, some of us aren’t” the green caterpillar pirouetted on his silk. “But none of us lives in holes, however big
they may be.”
Amy looked
around her. She was no longer sure from
which direction she’d come and so didn’t know where her path out lay. Really, she was now doubtful that her
straight line route had been quite as straight a line as she’d hoped.
She cleared her
throat gently.
“As you have
such a good view, being a creature of the air after all, I wonder if you might
be able to tell me which way is out?”
The caterpillar
rolled his eyes unsympathetically. “All
directions lead out. It just depends
where you want to be.”
“Do they?” she
wondered. “How curious. Well I’d really like to be out where I came
in, if that’s possible.”
“Of course it’s
possible. Just tell me where you came in
and I’ll point you the right way.”
Amy
pondered. She didn’t really know where
she’d entered the woods, it was just where she’d happened to be at the
time. Surely if she knew where it was,
she could find it herself?
“Thank you for
your help,” she said politely, “I think it might be best for me to just go
backwards until I reach the point where I started from.”
“Yes, it might”,
the caterpillar agreed and disappeared up his thread into the foliage.
Alone again, Amy
looked around. She turned one way, then
another. All directions seemed equally familiar
and likely.
Then the idea
occurred to her. Of course she wouldn’t
recognise where she’d come from, it was all backwards now; she was coming from
the other side!
She laughed as
she realised what she had to do. If she
was to recognise her route into the forest, she’d have to see it from the same
direction. It was obvious, she simply
had to walk backwards to re-trace her footsteps!
Turning her face
towards the deeper woodland, Amy tentatively put her best foot back. Yes, she was sure she’d noticed that
particular arrangement of branch and leaves on her forward journey.
Encouraged she
continued, slowly and carefully, on her way.
Suddenly, just
when Amy was beginning to wonder if she was actually going anywhere at all and
whether all leaves and branches really did look rather similar, she felt
something move against her ankle. She
shuddered, then froze, hoping that whatever it was would go away without eating
her.
Whatever-it-was
wove between her legs and then, giving a little rumbling noise, rubbed against
her ankle again.
“Hello, Amy, why
don’t you stroke me,” purred whatever-it-was.
“And what are you doing here anyway?
Little girls don’t belong in forests.”
“Dinah!” cried a
delighted Amy. “You’re here, I knew you
would be! Do you know which way is out?”
“Well, it all
depends on which “out” you want. After
all, if you continue long enough, all directions lead out.”
“Even
backwards?” Amy asked while silently wondering if Dinah might also have
befriended a green caterpillar.
Ten minutes
later, Amy and Dinah were dandling their feet in the cool, shallow water at the
edge of the lake, when a familiar voice called “Amy, Amy, where are you!”
“Alice!” cried
Amy in delight. “I’m here, by the lake,
with Dinah!”
Alice ran
through the meadow and, flinging her book to the ground, threw her arms around
her little sister. “Where have you been,
I’ve been so worried?”
“Well, I fell
down a hugely big rabbit hole and …”
“Oh really, Amy,
don’t be so ridiculous” scoffed Alice.
“There could never be a rabbit hole big enough for a person, even a
small one like you, to fall down. You’ve
just been asleep somewhere haven’t you!
And, oh my goodness, you do look a fright!”
